By  John Tan   Dear diary, I did something. Don’t worry it’s not a crime. I didn’t do anything bad per se. No one was injured e...

The Greatest Love Story

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By John Tan 

Dear diary,

I did something.

Don’t worry it’s not a crime. I didn’t do anything bad per se. No one was injured except for me. I know I don’t usually do stuff like this to myself but I couldn’t help it especially after hearing Mother’s remark. “Mercy, you’re fat, you need to lose weight.” How could I just brush it off? She is my mother and she has always been there for me through thick and thin. She is my rock, my home, and my world. She always knows what is best for me as the saying goes Mama knows best!

So, surely what she said purely came out of concern right? I mean yes she has always made remarks like that about my weight but all she wants for me is to be perfect. To look good and I didn’t see any harm in that.

Which is why I did what I did.

A few months back, I was diagnosed with Chronicle Gastric and Purging Bulimia. I was admitted to a hospital for seven days because of it and the experience was torture. How it all led to that? Well, there were a lot of contributing factors but Mother’s remark about my weight was the last factor that pushed me off the edge. I decided that was the last straw and made my first mistake in this whole ordeal.

I went out to the local pharmacy to buy laxatives.

At that moment, I wasn’t thinking straight. I gave in to the voices in my head. I officially lost the battle. If only the people involved were kinder, it would have been easier for me and none of this would have happened.

Growing up, I was a very shy girl and was often the target of bullying. I was teased a lot for my curly hair, my looks, the color of my skin and my weight. As a result, this programmed me to be very conscious about my appearance and I linked it to my worth (still do). “The skinnier, the better.” “The lower the number on the scale, the more beautiful I will be”

This mindset grew up with me and it got worse during my internship last summer. During that period, I became more aware of the ingredients, the calories, and the quantity of food I was consuming. If I ate anything like a cookie or a cake, it would have felt like I committed a crime.  I also paid more attention to the size of my thighs. This resulted in hating my reflection in the mirror as I was disgusted with my own body.

Despite that, I didn’t act on the insecurity until later on. I just kept my head high and focused on my work. I pushed aside every thought that could provoke me to harm my body every day. I did just that for five months and let me tell you it wasn’t an easy thing to do. Silencing the voices every day was not an easy task and things were manageable until the teasing in the office started.


One day during lunch hour, I found a letter underneath my working desk. 

It was among my crumpled pile of papers but I still managed to distinguish it. At first, I was weirded out by its presence because I rarely get letters. I am an intern under the designing department and my job only revolves around the art of designing. Besides that, I was also weirded out by the way it was presented. Anyone in their right mind would know that a letter should always be in an envelope if it is supposed to reach a company. So, this sender really had the audacity to present it without an envelope. How professional.

Anyways, I walked towards my desk to pick the letter up and before I could even open to read it, my co-worker grabbed it from me and read it to the whole office. 

The letter went on to praise everyone in the office except for me, mocking my looks and my weight. The most prominent line in the letter was “Mercy is the fattest and ugliest bitch.” Everyone immediately burst into laughter after it was read out and I remember just standing there feeling embarrassed and insulted. However, I was too stunned to stand up for myself or to even do anything. My only respond and defending mechanism was to cry.

The laughter continued for a good amount of time and it stopped when our boss came in the room. The noise was disrupting his conversation with a client. So, he told us to keep it down and after that, he returned back into his office. The focus then shifted back to me but for the first time, I didn’t bother. I just wanted to leave the office but in my state, I settled down in my desk returning to my work.

Obviously, I couldn’t focus and I couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down my face. For the first time, it was too much to bear and the crying continued all the way home. I couldn’t control it. Guess, I am not that “strong, independent girl” I always aspire to be. 

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Once I got home, I immediately rushed into my bathroom and it was war in my head. The voices were louder than ever before but before I could even be compelled by it. I heard mother calling me for dinner. So, I collected myself, all that’s left and got ready for dinner.

During dinner, Mother, as usual, was sweet and asked how my day went. I wanted to fill her in on what happened but I stopped myself because I couldn’t bear to see her upset and thought it will only get worse if I opened up. So, I lied and said I got a compliment from my boss for work. While doing this, I reached for the chicken on the table and that’s when Mother said: “Mercy, you’re fat, you need to lose weight.”

Immediately I lost my appetite but being the good girl I was raised to be, I didn’t leave the dining table and forced myself to finish the meal. That moment is when I finally surrender to the voices because even my own mother confirm I am fat. After dinner, I rushed to the local pharmacy and bought laxatives.

I was shaking while I was bringing it to the counter because I never thought I would ever reach this state. I then quickly brought it up to my room and took one.

This then became my everyday routine and eventually, it became my addiction. I would consume a pill of laxatives after every meal to get rid of the food from my body. As a result, my body wasn’t receiving any nutrients.

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However, that wasn’t the only harm I was inflicting upon myself, I also began depriving myself of food by limiting my food choices and intakes, a bit more every day. Yet, I still wasn’t satisfied with the results and this prompted me to work out intensively as I would hit the gym five times a week and on the weekends, I would jog for an hour and a half.

I did this for seven months until my body reached its limit.

That night like other nights, I spent my time in the toilet going through the torture I had inflicted upon myself but unlike the other nights, I was so slowly drifting away as my whole body was so weak. I felt all my organs failing me at the same time. I couldn’t stand it anymore so for once in my life, I reached out for my help and shouted for my mother.  After that, all I could remember was blurry seeing her running towards my soon to be unconscious body.

The next morning, I found myself lying on a hospital bed and a piece of horrible music was playing in the background. Mother was outside the room talking to the doctor. I couldn’t eavesdrop their conversation but I could tell mother was worried sick.

Both of them then came in the room and the doctor asked how I was feeling and told me the damage that was done wasn’t minor, leading him to ask what was the cause of this. How did it all happen?
With tears and regrets, I confessed what I did.

Looking back at it now, I can say things are slightly better. Currently, I am seeking help for my condition as I started attending counseling sessions at a centre near my house.

The journey to recovery obviously isn’t a walk in the park because every now and then I still catch myself finding reasons to call myself fat even though I only weight about 45 kg. Once in a while, I am also tempted to fall back to the vicious cycle.

Well, maybe someday I will fully recover from this and by then I will learn to appreciate, love, and respect my body and myself.

Then I will understand that the number on the scale or that extra skin on my thigh don’t define my worth.

Then maybe it will be the greatest love story ever told.

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By  John Tan   It’s 3 am in the morning And as usual, I am stuck in this vicious cycle Where my mind wanders like a free spirit ...

The Vicious Cycle (Poem)



By John Tan 

It’s 3 am in the morning
And as usual, I am stuck in this vicious cycle
Where my mind wanders like a free spirit
While my body aches like an old man’s back
As it’s in desperate need of rest
But I can’t sleep nor can I dream
Cause every move I make isn’t comforting
And every noise around my being annoys the hell out of me

As I can hear my alarm clock ticking,
The crickets chirping,
The fan whirring
While forming a creaky lullaby that isn’t working

Thus, I am wide awake at 3 am in the morning
Alone with my thoughts
Reflecting upon the things that happened
And worrying about the things that are yet to happen
And how it could go wrong in a million ways
While everyone else is fast asleep like a baby who was tucked in by its parents

By right, I should be in my La La Land at this hour
Wandering around it like an innocent child
But unfortunately, I am trapped in this unending cycle
There’s no escape for me

Why am I curse with this vicious cycle?
What did I do to deserve this?
I want to be able to sleep like a baby every night
I want my mind to be clear as the ocean every night

Well, maybe if I count to ten
And take a deep breath
Or say a prayer
Maybe then I will be able to fall asleep
Maybe then this vicious cycle will finally end

GIF Source: 
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What makes pop music so popular?  By John Tan   Growing up, I spent the majority of my time listening to famous pop tunes. I not...

The Skill Behind Pop Music


What makes pop music so popular? 



Growing up, I spent the majority of my time listening to famous pop tunes. I noticed the more I listened to them, the more I liked it. Something about it just kept me hooked on because somehow, it kept hitting on the right chords. Hence, I spent most of my days indulging in it and eventually, pop music became the soundtrack to my life. As I got older, I became intrigued in finding the geniuses behind these crafts. This led me to discover the genius that is Max Martin, the guy behind the works of my favorite artists.

Max Martin is no stranger to pop music. In fact, he is responsible for many of the hits that were produced in the last decade. From working with musical acts like Britney Spears to Taylor Swift, Martin has cemented his place in the music industry. To date, Martin has scored 22nd number ones on the Hot 100 charts. Besides that, he was even awarded the Polar Music Prize 2016 for being a veteran in the music business. Since pop music is a broad subject and considering Martin’s impact on the industry, it would be easier to solely focus on Martin’s work to identify the structures in pop music, in order to truly understand its popularity.

In 1876, German philosopher, Gustav Fechner discovered a psychological notion, known as the mere exposure effect. It suggests that people have a tendency of gravitating towards objects or individuals that are familiar to them. Also, repeated exposure increases familiarity. Years later, this concept was expanded by Robert Zajonc and it was revealed that familiarity enhances one’s liking towards an object or an individual. For pop music, music scholars argue that familiarity decides the listener’s response to the piece. The more they are familiar with the song, the higher the chances are for them to like it.

John Seabrook, New Yorker journalist, echoed similar remarks in his 2015 book ‘The Song Machine’, noting “the more I heard the songs, the more I liked them. How could that be? if you dislike the song the first time, surely you should loathe in the tenth. But apparently, that’s not how it works. Familiarity with the song increases one’s emotional investment in it, even if you don’t like it.  This happens gradually, in stages, the initially annoying bits become the very parts you look forward to most in the song.

Why?

Well, the rationale behind this formula can be explained with the perceptual fluency theory: how information is processed by the human brain. Repetitive songs are easier to recognize and process. This is because it takes less effort to do so and the less we effort we take to think about something, the higher the chances are for us to like it. When a song goes according to our expectations, it makes us feel better because it gives us confidence. Thus, repetition is an important ingredient in pop music.

Looking at Martin's discography, a lot of his songs are about simplicity. For example, when it comes to his songwriting, Martin has a tendency of using simple words that rhyme and he repeats them throughout a section of a song. 


Take for instance, CAN’T STOP THE FEELING!  By Justin Timberlake, the word ‘dance’ is repeated throughout the chorus and the post-chorus.


      Music video for Justin Timberlake's "Can't Stop The Feeling" uploaded on 16th May 2016.


Chorus
So just imagine, just imagine, just imagine, just imagine
Nothing I can see but you when you dance, dance, dance
Feeling good, good, creeping up on you
So just dance, dance, dance, come on                
All those things I shouldn’t do
But you dance, dance, dance

Post chorus
I can’t stop the feeling
So just dance, dance, dance
I can’t stop the feeling
So just dance, dance, dance, come on



               Music video for Usher's "DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love" uploaded on 25th  Aug 2010.

Whereas in DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love by Usher, words like now, down and eyes are repeated in the second verse.

Second verse
Keep downing drinks like there’s no tomorrow there’s just right now, now, now, now, now, now
Gonna set the roof on fire
Gonna burn this motherfucker down, down, down, down, down
Hands up, when the music drops
We both put our hands up
Put your hands on my body
Swear I seen you before
I think I remember those eyes, eyes, eyes, eyes


                    Music video for Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" single released August 18th, 2014.

And finally, Shake It Off by Taylor Swift, where words like play, hate, shake and break are repeated in the chorus

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off
Heart- breakers gonna break, break, break, break, break
And the fakers gonna fake, fake, fake, fake, fake
Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I shake it off, I shake it off

In terms of his production, a lot of his materials are structured in the same instrumental arrangement. They have the same song structure, repetitive chords progression, and melodic structure. For instance, his songs usually consist of the verse, the chorus, the bridge and occasionally pre-chorus or post-chorus. Also, they often remain in the same three or four chords.

Once again, this is all works to create a sense of familiarity for the listener. In an interview with DiWEEKEND, Martin mentioned that;

“If the chords change a lot over the course of a song, it’s better to stay within the same melodic structure. Once again, it’s all about the balance. Another theory is that you can also sing the chorus melody as a verse. For instance, take “I Wanna Be Your Lover” with Prince. The verse and chorus of that song are exactly the same. But as a listener, you don’t really notice since the energy of the chorus is completely different compared to the verse. Once the chorus comes, you feel like you’ve heard it before. And you have! You’ve heard it in the verse. It automatically creates a sense of familiarity. Prince does this a lot. “Let’s Go Crazy,” same thing. I’ve used this trick a few times myself. In “Do You Know (What It Takes)” with Robyn, for instance.” 

The next aspect that is used in pop music is relatability. Since pop music primarily targets youths, the majority of its lyrical content revolves around topics that are relatable to them. Studies have shown that youths consume pop music because it assists them in the process of “finding themselves” and acts as an outlet for self-expression.

The reason being pop music exhibits ‘emotional realism’; youths are able to identify and relate to the collective representations and use them as guiding fictions. With that, they are able to create their personal mental perception of the world.

Following a report by Nielsen, the top 5 pop hits in 2017 were focused on relatable themes such as love (romantic relationships) and having a good time. Hence, it’s proven that the criteria for a good pop song would include making the listener feel a certain emotion. Quoting Martin;

 “A great pop song should be felt when you hear it,” Martin told Gradvall. “You can hear songs that are technically great, songs that tick all the boxes. But for a song to be felt, you need something else. Something that sticks to you, something that makes you feel: ‘I need to hear that song again’.

Going back to Martin’s catalog, the majority of his lyrics are relatable to youths, whether it’s a fast tempo piece or a slow emotional ballad. The lyrical content often focuses on simple themes such as love (heartbreak to falling in love), sex, self-discovery or having a good time- although there are some exceptions.

In conclusion, it’s no mystery that the pop music industry adheres to a certain formula when it comes to making a song. After all, it’s safe to stick to the same formula since it has been working in their favor, gaining commercial success after each hit song that is produced and released out to the general public.




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